As another one tugs to a close

If there's one thing I hate in this world, as in, absolutely hate, from the bottom of my heart, the kind of stuff that makes me want to go all pump bullets into thin air, like in Tarantinoverse, that's being alone. Add in a bit of cold, okay bit is an exaggeration, add a temperature that could almost freeze water into ice, and this is killer stuff, the kind of stuff that can kill. So, it's on one such lonely night, in the dead of the night, at around 2.30 am, powered by insomnia and fresh from running code in the lab, that I decide to revive bon voyage.

It's been a while since I last wrote, I've hardly written this year. But, I tend to believe that I write more when I'm a little unhappy, so considering on those lines, this year has been fantastic. There've been friends, to spend time with, there've been lots and lots of new friends I got to make this year, an internship with Autodesk, and getting into Guibas lab helped that cause. I've tried to venture a lot into two things I love a lot - cricket and movies. Well, isn't that pretty much the love of almost all of India?

There has been a lot of cricket I've played over the last one year. I've gotten back to playing in Cricbay regularly, and outside that as well. I also watch a lot of cricket today, in a throwback to the days of the early 2000s. The pre-Set Top Box days to be precise. There's also been a lot of movie watching. A lot is an understatement. I've seen more movies this year in the large screen, than I have in all my life prior to this year. Now, that's definitely some jump, isn't it? I've wanted to shoot a short film, but never got around to doing it. That's something that will happen real soon though. It's said for screenwriters that when you fall in love, you tend to write more. The writing happened, it never got to be made though, as with the former.

I think the biggest addition this year has been in the spiritual dimension. While I've been defending a faith I hardly understood all these years, I've taken a few serious strides in the path to understanding it, and it's something I enjoy speaking about. The Indian philosophies, of non-duality, specialized duality, and duality, are a sea of vast knoweldge to dive into, and it's easy to get lost, lest we have references in these schools of thoughts to hold on to. In this expedition, I've tried to hold on to the Adi Sankara school of thought, and it's a wonderful experience to learn what it has to teach us. I shall try to write more about this sometime in the near future.

For the year that's ahead, I'm determined to play more cricket, watch more movies, make one or two short films as well, and on the side, do a lot of shape research, to get deeper into my PhD. I hope for the best for everyone. As some wayfarer said years ago, Yaadum Oore, so let's burn down walls, and strive for everyone's happiness, because Vasudhaiva kutumbakam - the world is one family.
Happy new year 2016 to everyone! :)

My best friend

I'm fairly confident no one reads this blog anymore, and that's why I'm writing up here now. Gone are the days when you wrote for everyone to read, this is fun, to write, for yourself. This one's for that one friend who's been there through thick and thin for me, for a long long time now. Thinking about him floods me with memories. Classroom chatter, some cricket banter, a lot of cinema, long walks, flaw detection, writing stories together, making movies, a lot of talking on the phone well we've done it all.

I knew him for nearly a year before I really got to getting close to him. He helped me out of a bout of narcissism. We became close over a bout of me needing help, and him being there for me. We stayed up all night studying for JEE, talking on the phone, sometimes solving problems over telephone chats, and other times simply talking to each other about stories here and there. The thing about growing up together is that you form common ideals. That's exactly what happened with us. Our problems were the same, issues conflicted, so did the likes and dislikes, there was a lot of difference of opinion, but never was there a lack thereof. He was the first person I told about me falling in love, he told me about then liking his girlfriend even before he told her. When your life is so inexplicably linked to someone else, the feeling is pure divine, the feeling of having someone, a guardian angel always beside you.

We outgrew our school uniforms, and he flew to the cold north of India, but BSNL with one hour call reminders kept us going. His summer and winter visits would be times when plans were executed. We'd go around the city we'd seen a million times already, just for the heck of it. We'd go into movie theatres and discuss the shit being doled out to us, or have awesome chaat at one of the roadside panipuri stalls. It helped that both of us used two-wheelers, a lot of traveling happened as well. We made a movie together, something we'd always wanted to do. If I liked a lot of the serious shit, he'd like a hearty laugh with his series. I'd go for the hour long episodes, while he likes 20 minute shows. We've fought a lot, with his biggest love in life, okay, sans his girlfriend, is to argue the hell out of something with me.

I felt miserable when he first left Chennai for education. I felt proud of him when he decided to take a jump from ECE to Computer Science to go ahead and do a PhD in the same. Today, he's doing really well, he's super happy in life, he's got a wonderful woman to complete him, and nothing gives me more happiness than that. As President Jed Bartlett asks in the West Wing, "Do you have a best friend, who would do anything for you, and go to any extent to protect you? He should be your Chief of Staff", I couldn't help but manage a smile. I have two really wonderful friends Prasad and Shreyas in my life, who would fit that description, but my heart goes out a little bit more to Shreyas because he would at any given instant be up for an argument, and act more as my conscience than as my friend. I haven't seen my best friend in close to 3 years now, but if there's someone I feel intimate about, it's him, no doubts there. Thanks for everything! :)

Happy new year, folks :)

To Dhoni or not to Dhoni?

As someone who has idolized the way M.S.Dhoni has gone about playing the game of cricket over the period of his career, the last few days have been particularly hard. While I have been left feeling gutted about a potential Indian win going down the drain, the hordes of Indian fans calling for the skipper's head has come as a slight shock to me.

I could go down the road taken most often, and say that his bowlers have been letting him down. But, the truth is, he has been going into a shell as well. The defensive fields that have been much talked about, and have given him much success in India, where he has a win loss record of 24 to 3 (of the 3 losses, 2 came to a spirited English side, and 1 to the South Africans during a period when they were practically unbeatable). The truth is, in this New Zealand tour, the seamers did a fantastic job in 2 of the 4 innings, a bad job in one more, and a terrible job when it mattered most. But to call for Dhoni's head for that is a bit too much I feel.

Come on, the man gave you the T20 World Cup, the ICC Champions Trophy, took you up the ladder to World No. 1, and gave you world cricket's biggest prize, the World Cup, he is not a bad captain. Yes, he has had a terrible away record, but I think any layman would admit that the performances in SA and NZ were markedly better than those in Australia and England. That is quite something, coming in the wake of losing batting superstars, and it is a fact to take so much heart from that our batting seems kind of settled. Bowling has always been India's weak link abroad, but it is absolutely necessary for the team to build, and build in the right way, something that has been missing. So where does Dhoni's head come in here? He is the man leading the transition this team is undergoing, sort of what Allan Border had to do with Australia, coming into a superstar team, at the top of the world, going into the deepest phase of Aussie cricket as skipper, and then leaving it after rebuilding in those safe big slip-catching hands of Mark Taylor. It is MSD's chance, and duty, to do the same, and he is well on course I'd say.

For all those who call for MSD's head, and blame him and his fans, it's not like we aren't hurt by the loss. I sat up all night to watch the final day in Johannesburg, and Wellington was an even longer ordeal. That doesn't make MSD responsible for everything. Yes, the captain that he is, he does take responsibility, but let us give the man a break and let him try stuff on his own. You can't have a Kohli leading India into England, unchartered territories for the young man. As one of the best cricketing minds India has produced says here, Dhoni has earned himself the right to lead the nation until the Australian tour in tests, a period that would culminate in the 2015 World Cup. It's a last chance for the man to redeem himself, to correct his records in these nations. It would be great to see him to do that, hard it will be with the kind of bowling line up he possesses, but as we have always seen him do, let's see if the magician can pull one last rabbit out of the hat. If he does, it'll be fantastic, if he doesn't, well it wouldn't dent the already terrible away record much anyway, so that's something I'd be able to live with!

As another year ends

Ah, how long has it been since I last blogged? Time has been at a premium, and that is something that has defined the latter quarter of this year. As for the beginning, it was a wonderful start. With a trip to Japan, and a practically free semester, I had some of the best time of my life from January to May. I'm sure it is something that can't be replicated, and I'm eternally grateful to everyone who made it happen. There was a first publication that was accepted, but I wasn't able to travel to Istanbul because of the riots there. From what I hear, it was a great opportunity missed. The app results were a period of great uncertainty and deliberation, but I guess a problem of plenty is always a good problem to have, and thanks to the almighty, what came out of it was a story made in dreams.

If good things meet us, bad things must be on the way right behind. June to August was a terrible time, some of the worst I've been through. The only saving grace was the fact that I was at home for the last few months in a long time, and I was trying to make the most of it. Towards the end, I was all kicked about the US, and it was time for another great experience.

The final quarter of my year has been a truly unique experience. It's been something that'll go on to define my life in the years to come. The first quarter at Stanford, the friends I've made, the unique culture of the US I've been exposed to, this is something that I shall cherish for years to come. The friends I've made, we've been together for hardly 4 months, but it already feels like ages. There really wasn't a home-missing period, or a settling down period, it was more on the lines of Veni, Vidi, Vici. There was a wonderful cousin Anand and his beautiful family of Utpala, Anusha, and Mahika who more than made up for home! Special thanks here to Rakesh, Ram, Gunaa, Aparna, Amritha, Jose, Raghav and Pavithra for making the early months at Stanford so awesome already. Yay to us and the more awesome months to come! There were also dreams coming true, with a Disneyland visit finally happening, and a road trip materializing.

At the end of a life-changing year, I can look back to see so much I miss back home, so much I miss from college, but so much that the Stanford experience has already given me. There are difficult times too, and things that the heart yearns for, but then as they say, you need to let go sometimes, and if it doesn't come back, it never was yours to begin with. Let's hope everyone has a fantastic, successful year, and let 2014 be made of great dreams that come true. Wish you all a Happy New Year! :)

Why are rituals important?

Hinduism is a "religion" that prides on itself being open. So much so that the words Hinduism and religion don't go hand in hand even on a simple sentence. Hinduism is more like an open university, where you decide the portions, and then you write the exam, and on the basis of your portions and performance, you are graded. This fact has had a multitude of consequences over the years. From the merging of the Aryan and the Aryo-Dravidian deities into a common "sampradaya" to even having open culture merging such as the entry of Thulukka Naachiyaar in the Srirangam temple premises, from having atheist philosophers such as Jabali in the court of Rama to the discussions on Quora about how atheism is an integral part of Hinduism, one can say confidently that Hinduism has seen it and done it all. You have stories which say that the mother is the most important person in one's life (Adi Shankaracharya), some which put the father above everyone else (Parasurama), some which put the spouse at the top (Gautama-Ahalya, Rukmini-Krishna), and sometimes even the public above any individual (Rama in the Uttara Kanda). But what we need to take home from all this is how every situation is relative, and we need to use our head to determine what really matters at that point in time.

So what most people do is, discuss Hinduism as a path that shows multiple ways, and on a top level discuss these routes. This is something I have seen especially on Quora, where people, dare I say, with a tilt of atheism, conveniently use the Hinduism framework of being open to various preferences, to denounce the idea of ritualism. They say, Hinduism is open to everybody, rituals are for buggers, and I would like to take that piece of the cake which has the cream alone. Firstly, before I continue, let me discuss the idea of atheism in Hinduism. As my guru (Arun Ayyar) once told me, atheism in Hinduism is not the same as classical Abrahamic definition of atheism. A Hindu could be an Astika, or a Nastika. Asti in Sanskrit means "there is". Astika in Sanskrit means one who believes in existence, while Nastika doesn't believe in existence. The only thing that connects the whole idea of Sanatana Dharma, possibly the only thing that one could use to pin it down as a religion, is the set of prescriptions which are usually to be followed, which we call the Vedas or the Shruthi. The Astika is one, who believes in the existence of the supremacy of the Vedas, while the Nastika doesn't. Of course, like many of my peers have discussed on Quora, the Sanatana Dharma doesn't reject the Nastikas, but the non-believer tag is just passed on to them. These very Vedas, which the Sanatana Dharma propagates, talk about ritualism. That was one of the main reasons behind Gautama Buddha rejected the Vedas.

I have gone on to discuss a lot of stuff, but have not really arrived at the point I'm trying to make here. Sanatana Dharma tries to ensure a spiritual well-being for everybody, and that comes from a peace of mind. This peace of mind can be obtained from only a conducive mind. The conducive mind comes from actions that make the surroundings conducive for the mind to be well. The conducive mind can't be found at a workplace where you are surrounded by tension, neither can it be found at a hyperactive state jumping to loud music, it needs that calm, the calm you get over meditation, the same calm you get over a small pooja at your place, the calm you get over a jog, or maybe over a session of yoga, or pranayama. The above line juggles between Karma, Bhakti and Gnana Yogas in a very subtle manner, you can say what is what clearly. Rituals are not to specifically signify anything. They are just a methodology by which people periodically refresh themselves, renew that calm in them, and with a sense of rejuvenation go on with their lives. That was the point behind the various homams, yagnas, the point behind the poojas, and the festivals, where people came together, spent some happy time together, a day of recharging. As someone who does believe in the metaphysical (note I use the word metaphysical, and not supernatural, because I believe that most of this is scientifically explicable, only not so by the science known today), I do believe that the words said, the mantras spoken make sense, and there is a positive vibration they produce, but that's not something I'd thrust upon you.

Many people I know confuse customs for rituals. Dowry is a custom, a pooja is a ritual, replenishing your son-in-law's place with goodies over every festival is a custom, celebrating the pooja with a small prayer and a few mantras is a ritual, anything involving human beings is a custom, anything involving you and your spiritual well-being is a ritual. Customs are man-made, rituals too are partly, but only partly, since the core of the rituals, the inner part of the cake, is baked in the Vedas, which was just heard, the sound of Nature to put it exotically. Customs might cause joy or pain, rituals can only cause joy. While North India seems confused between its rituals and customs, South India has gone on to denounce both with great aplomb, the result being we, as a country, do not really know what is ours, and what was thrust upon us. The confusion has existed since the time of the Buddha. The Buddha, who for one, was able to take that philosophical path which is given in Hinduism, the Gnana Yoga, but his fault, in my opinion, was assuming that everyone could do the same. It took him a chariot ride to decide that he didn't want his parents, his wife, his child anymore, all he wanted was salvation. We can't even ride chariots anymore. As much the Gnana Yoga got him his much wanted salvation, he denounced the Bhakti Yoga, which he was not right in doing, purely because of lack of experience. The best path in my opinion was that of Adi Shankaracharya, who in spite of being a Gnana Yogi, recommended the Bhakti Yoga to the common man, because of the difficulty the Gnana Yoga poses. Not only does Adi Shankara denounce the ritualistic Mandana Misra on a one-on-one, who later becomes one of Shankara's prime disciples,the famed Sureshvaracharya, and establishes the Shankara Math at Sringeri, eventually he also finishes his debate with the message that as much as Gnana is important, it is useless without the conducive mind to understand that, the idea of a Saranagati, which is where the importance of Bhakti comes in.

So, there goes, understanding what we follow is important, to expand brackets so that we fit in them is also important, but what is more important is to understand what those brackets enclose, and why they enclose them. One needn't be ritualistic, but it is useless to put yourself in the Hindu bracket, and not be able to even try to appreciate what the idea of these rituals is.

For the love of the little man

As the biggest cricketing news of my time breaks out, it scares me a little bit. The only strand that connects me to my oldest memory of cricket is about to be severed. I have been one of those folks calling for Sachin's head in the last few years, because I learnt from Sachin himself that no one is bigger than the game, but a couple of months down the line, when Virat Kohli walks out to bat at No.4 for the Indian National Test cricket team, I'm not sure I can keep my tears in check!

My earliest memory of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was him bowling India to victory in a match, and for a good part of the next two years, I was under the impression that he was a bowler. Many people imitate his batting to date, but he was my inspiration to bowl off and leg spinners, and seamers as well! A couple of years later, in 1998, when I wasn't still watching cricket that actively, except for of course following the scores from time to time, I happened to turn on the TV for a match. It was in Bahrain's own backyard, Sharjah, and there was a sandstorm in there, but there was one man, in fancy Indian clothes with the Indian flag and all in it, hitting the ball to every part of the ground. That 143, made me, like many other Indians, a devotee of the man. A few months later, during the World Cup 1999, his father passes away, and he misses the game against Zimbabwe, which India lose. He returns for the next match, against Kenya, and cracks a century. Once he gets to the hundred, he lets loose of his helmet, and one gets a first look at the stubble that would come to define Sachin over the next couple of years. The eyes are moist, the head and bat go up, facing the skies, something that would become a Tendulkar regular again. That day, he became my hero, and has always remained one.

There are so many many memories, personally associated, that I can't really pick any. There is his first double century in Ahmedabad, the 186* against New Zealand which remained his highest ODI score for a long time, the 193 at Headingley (the only test in which Sachin, Rahul and Dada scored centuries), the now famous March 1 '03 Centurion World Cup 98 vs Pakistan, and more recently, the 175 that reminded everyone of the tragic hero he was once upon a time, the World cup lap of honor, the 103* in the fourth innings which I was fortunate to witness firsthand and the 83 he scored in what will probably end up as his last fluent innings in Test cricket, in a match that is better remembered for M.S.D's double century, another match I watched from the stadium.

Sachin has been more than just the cricket, he has been the icon of this country. I have been among those who forgot every bit of pain when Sachin was batting, and conversely, got immensely pained when he got out, irrespective of the team situation. Over the last couple of years, Sachin showed me how it feels to get behind a team, ironically something which lead to me to cheer against Sachin's own IPL team!

I'll be eternally thankful to him for have made farewell a whole lot easier, by have given his 100% to the team. I am now, in that phase of being a cricket fan, where I can still see an Indian team sans Tendulkar take on the field, and cheer it with all my heart. Now, he for sure, can't give more, clearly once the best batsman in the world is struggling to put bat on ball. But as that second last ball cover drive in the CLT20 final showed, form might die, but class doesn't ever.

Thankfully Youtube has the records of everything I want to preserve about him, and that will be played, and replayed, again and again. I will miss the childlike enthusiasm in the ground. I will miss the man walking down to the boundary to field, and getting the loudest cheers in the ground, even while the opposition is leading by like 300 runs. I will miss the straight drives, the paddle sweeps, the square cuts, hell, every shot in the book and out of it!

Most of all, I'll miss the loudest cheers at the fall of the second Indian wicket, and the little man, walking into the ground, looking upwards into the sky, walking to the middle putting his gloves on, taking guard, shadow practicing, moving away to look at the field placements, walking back to the stumps, adjusting the guard by jumping up and down in signature Sachin style, calmness defined by the expression on his face, and then playing the ball exactly where he wants it to go.

நன்றி.. வணக்கம்!!

It has been more than 13 years in Chennai. 13 does prove to be unlucky in my case, as it leads to a base shift now. I don't remember feeling this way about Chennai then. As a ten year old, in P.S.Senior, I just hated it. It didn't help that our 5th standard class (V-E and V-D) was segregated from the rest of the fifth standards kids, who were in the primary block of the school. We were with 12th and 11th standards, the place is where the computer labs in PS today are, I'm doubtful if anyone other than Vikku even remembers that now. The initial period was a tumultous one, it was a love-hate relationship with Chennai then. I hated the black marks, I hated the black boards (in Bahrain, we had a white board in class :P ), I hated the fact that P.S had a small playground, I hated it that Kesavan sir would never give us cricket to play during PT. It was a funny world back then.

Looking to now, a lot has changed. I've changed too. But, I'd rather say, I've grown. When I came to Chennai, I was a kid, I was innocent, I knew nothing. Anything and everything that has happened to me has been a function of the Chennai variable. As I sit to type this down with Iravugalil blaring on the earphones, I don't really know what to talk about, except of course understanding  the cliche that you can take me out of Chennai but it would be impossible to take the Chennai out of me. I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was pointing out (and though I was vehemently denying it, though I must admit it) that most P.S pasanga were pazham (at the point of time when he did his education of course, today the picture has changed a lot!). I must only say I've been fortunate to have the best of both worlds that way. A schooling that kept me always in touch with the pazhamness in me, while at the same time an upbringing at home, which while focusing on discipline, would not mind me having to interact at large with the more harsh local realities. As much as we all love our city, and Chennai is awesome, it is true that it takes a lot of getting used to, and I think I really got used to it during my Class 12 vacations when I used to spend hours walking around the city, nearly 2 hours everyday, getting to know a lot of people, who lived on the roads, the roadside shopkeepers, learning a lot about the way they live, the hardships they face, and above all the true spirit of the city of Chennai. To many of us, Chennai is just the haven of good food, Superstar-mania, local Tamil, to a lot of them, sarakku (in which case, I think Pondy trumps Chennai anyway), and a few other stuff, but we tend to look across the more basic stuff in our society.

I think we all have lived in an amazing society, people constantly talk about the "spirit of Mumbai", well in my opinion, the "spirit of Chennai" is one to look up to. It is, as has been discussed a lot, an ideal mix of urbane and rural cultures, probably the only "city" in India with that property. We celebrate a CSK match with as much fervour as we turn up for the Arubathimoovar, we have the malls that have come to define any city today, but still we price our movie tickets at 120 bucks, we don't have a lot of the Volvos, but our bus transport trumps any city in the country hands down in plain connectivity and frequency issues. We've had water issues, but we've learnt to offset them. We've had warring ruling parties, but thankfully neither has been half as bad as the ruling parties in so many other states. When I say we're all awesome about so many issues, I don't know if I can speak for the rest of Tamil Nadu, but definitely Chennai is. One thing we need to be thankful for is that civilization has always been on the up in this part of the country, we've not really had any external issues affecting us, something that has plagued north India for a large part of their history. I truly believe this is one reason that has helped Chennai maintain this dual stance, though I don't take any credit away from the citizens of the city in their role in keeping this maintenance. The climate of Chennai is something that is often frowned upon, but I don't buy any arguments regarding this. Do you really want me to believe that all you need is a boring nation with all cities having an identical climate? Chennai's heat kicks ass, I love it when I sweat, that defines the amount of effort put into something, after all, Superstar says in Padayappa that every bead of sweat pays back in gold!

Anyway, I know I'm babbling on and on. I have realized that almost everyone I associate with this city (minus the family, and a few others here and there) have left it, but still it makes me very sad to think that I'll be leaving Chennai. A question in Quora talked about how place and beliefs were man-made artificial, unnatural constructs, but I feel it doesn't still take away from the fact that these constructs stir something up in you every time you invoke them .After all, Sorgame Endraalum Adhu namma oora pola varuma? I was fortunate to be able to study in Chennai's most beautiful campus as well. IIT Madras will be missed, for a lot of things. Other than helping me jump onto a different plane of academics, it also introduced me to a different and very beautiful world within Chennai (read that with Rajni reaction from Sivaji "Waaaw, Is this Chennai?" in mind). As Gangai Amaran points out beautifully in this song, oru kadhai ingu mudiyalaam, mudivilum ondru thodangalam. So, I will consider this chapter's end to be the beginning of another one that will hopefully add a lot more to me as a person. Chennai, நன்றி..  வணக்கம்!!

P.S: Chennai pasangala, Kochadayaan release aagarche enakkaga oru repeat audience a poi, bayangarama whistle adinga pa! :)

P.P.S: This nation deserves better. Naa thaan adutha election la vote poda mudiyaadhu, neengalaavadhu Modi ku vote pottu indha naatukku oru vidivukaalam kondu vaango! :)